Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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