you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
