I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
