I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
