Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize