the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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