i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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