Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
MIDGETS
????
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
