so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Farmville is her only friend.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
