This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We need to get me chipped asap
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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