My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
