can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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