I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
