Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Couch. On fire.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
