if only i could text you this smell
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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