Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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