she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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