the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
we're making bets on your personal life
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
