Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
