I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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