I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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