The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
