I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
