just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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