I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
