Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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