i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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