but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
In America we eat man semen.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
