i jhust puked up my retainher.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
