I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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