it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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