Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
please come you make the beer taste better
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
