Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize