Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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