shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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