Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize