Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
