Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I wish you could order shots online.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
