you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
