Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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