i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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