As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
