of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
