so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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