I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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