but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
