it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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