I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
