I cannot find my penis.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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