Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
