Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize