Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
