The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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