Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
