he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
