jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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