i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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