OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
