mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
