chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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