Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
